When the Conversation Gets Tough

Eight Easy Tips for REAL Communication when the conversation gets tough

1. Anytime you’re stuck—when a professional or personal relationship goes into a rut, or you’re having trouble achieving results in your team or organization—ask “What conversations are we not facing or not facing well that are keeping us stuck?” REAL Communication at this point will help both parties break through to new levels of understanding and commitment.
2. Before engaging in REAL Communication, ask “What do I really want for me? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?” The clearer you are about your goals, the less you’ll be controlled by your fears.
3. Notice warning signs of trouble before it’s too late. When others move to silence (withdrawing, masking, avoiding) or violence (controlling, labeling, verbal attacking), these are signs that others don’t feel safe. Learn to look for silence or violence—signs that safety is at risk. When tough conversations turn ugly, the problem is not too much candor, it’s too little safety. With enough safety, you can talk about anything.
4. Make it safe to talk about anything. People don’t get defensive because of the content of what you’re saying. They get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. When others become defensive, stop talking about the issue and clarify your purpose. Help them understand your motives by sharing what you really want out of this conversation for you, for them and for the relationship (See #2).
5. Master your own emotions by getting to their root. We make ourselves upset during tough conversations when we a.) cover up or ignore our role in creating the problems we’re discussing and b.) exaggerate others’ role in the problems by attributing the worst possible motive to them. Ask yourself a.) What am I pretending not to know about my role? and b.) Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do what the other person is doing?
6. Be persuasive but not abrasive. Start with the facts. Instead of launching with your emotions, begin by sharing the facts. Describe the concrete and objective experiences (what others said or did—not what you think about what they said or did) that created your concerns. For example, start with, “In the meeting you referred to the proposal as ‘My idea.’” Don’t start with “You back-stabbing jerk, you took complete credit for our proposal in there!”  When you start with your facts, you help others see how a reasonable, rational and decent person would think and feel as you do. When they come to this realization, it is harder for them to become defensive at even the most controversial things you have to say.
7. Explore others’ views. The easiest way to reduce defensiveness? LISTENING. Spend as much time exploring how others see the issues as you spend sharing your own. Exploring means that you are genuinely curious about others’ views. Your goal is not necessarily to agree with them, but instead to discover how a reasonable, rational and decent person would think and feel as they do. The more curious you become, the safer others will feel and the less likely you are to get hooked by what they say.
8. End it well, with clear expectations. Don’t be satisfied with just good talk. Move to action by ensuring everyone is crystal clear about how to get the issue resolved once and for all. Come to specific agreement about who is going to do what by when. Then agree when you’ll follow up to see that you and others have kept these commitments. Clear agreements and disciplined accountability turn great conversations into great results.